Chapel today was convicting.

I'm so sick of focusing on myself and my failures. I want to forget about the fact that I'm a poor leader in the places where God's called me to lead, and a poor follower in the places where I'm called to follow. It's time to spurn the voice of the old man, the old creature, inside me going "You've got nothing. You're going to fail again and again... you'll fail those closest to you, you'll fail Jen, and you'll fail God. You're so worthless! Why don't you just quit and enjoy sinning instead of wallowing in filth following a hopeless ideal?" I... I don't care about it.

About that chapel. The pastor from the Apex up in Dayton came and spoke about Hebrews 12:1-3, where God tells us to run with endurance, throwing off the sin that entangles and anything that hinders us, with our gaze fixed on Jesus. And I want to run my race, I want to be fixed upon and even obsessed with Jesus. Do you ever see those guys who sit around and do nothing but play this one particular game, to the extent that they'll even skip a meal or miss something important for it? That's the kind of "thing" I want to have for God. Or, sticking with the example Paul used, I know some runners (one in particular) who think about almost nothing but running. I mean, this guy is insane.... he looks at shoe magazines in his free time, he's constantly out running, his whole diet is focused around his running; he went to the doctor and his cardiovascular system is so good and his pulse is so slow and soft that the heart monitor thing registered him as dead (think of that long beeeeeeeeeeep you always hear in the movies when somebody dies at the hospital). That's what I want to do - no more wishy-washy "I'm too busy", or "I'm really struggling with such-and-such a sin" crap.

And I'm sick of having "struggles". Isn't it about time I call them for what they are - that is, sin and rebellion towards God - and then destroy them? Didn't Jesus tell us to "Pick up your cross and follow me", and didn't Paul proclaim that our old self has been crucified with Him? Man, this whole idea of "struggling" is really mamby-pamby, really lame. It's so wimpy to be going "Oh, dear, I'm struggling again with masturbation, somebody please pray for me!" What ever happened to, "Man, I'm living in rebellion against God here, and I don't want to be. Somebody help me, I need some backup!" This is a war, not simply a journey. What did Jesus say to do about sin in our lives? Did he say, "If you're struggling with something, go seek a spiritual mentor who understands, talk about it, pray about it, and remember that I love you"? I think it sounded a little more like this: "If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off!"

So, today, I long to be able to say "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me," and "I am determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified."

What depths of joy await me....

My gaze is fixed.